Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Quest

This last March I spent 6 days on a horse ranch in Hunt, Texas.  I was there to find God, to get my heart back.  I didn't know what that look liked or how I would do it.  I didn't even know that I had lost my heart. I was reading the book "Wild At Heart" and it posed the idea of  loosing our hearts through wounds, hurts, just life being thrown at us.  I asked God "I don't know if I lost my heart but if I did I wanted it back."

I got to this place in life where I was feeling numb, life had leaked out of me.  I began to sense that there is something more, vastly more.  I was desperate to feel again, I wanted to laugh, feel, enjoy life again, I wanted to be happy again.  I didn't know what was missing or how to fix it.  I needed a word, any word, to name what I was missing.  So I went on this Quest determined to come back whole.  I unplugged.  No cell phone, emails, work issues, no contact with my family or the outside world.  Just me and God on a 500 acre ranch.  Everyday I went to a hiding place on this ranch and sought His face.  I asked Him questions "why?", battled with my sin, my hurts, frustrations, my anger, the unforgiven issues from the past.  I wrestled with God and I wasn't letting go until I was blessed by Him, until I was free.

I fasted for 2 and a half days while I was there and Father rocked my world.  I felt a love from Him that I had never felt before.  I knew God "loved" me intellectually, but I didn't know that love.  He answered my questions and helped me get to the root of the issues in my life.  For the 1st time EVER I felt completely free and everything had changed.  Every song meant more, felt deeper, felt new.  I was singing "a new song."  My heart felt new.  His love exploded in my heart to the point of joy.  Now I see life differently, hear differently, feel and think differently.  I can love now out of His love and not my own.  My love was flawed, cracked.   I thought I loved others but that was really attempts at doing what I thought was the right thing as a Christian, husband, father, son or friend.  But, because His love filled my wounded heart and healed it, I can now love others through that love he gave me.  For the 1st time I get it, I really get it, I'm really free.  My love is real because I tasted His love.  I WANT to love others, I look for opportunities to share this freeing love with others that comes through Christ.

Those six days changed my life.  It's almost four weeks now since my trip to Texas and I still feel His love, I still feel free and pure.  I'm living again and I'm not going back.  I'm not going back to being a poser.  I would sometimes lead worship and think "I believe this but I don't really see this in my own life."  Now I see and it's great.  I can tell others this thing is for real.  It's not from my head, it's from my heart.  I got my heart back, I heard God, felt His love and it's never going to be the same.  How glorious, I am a new creation!

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